Until I figure out how to download music to this wonderful device (sounding old I know it), I am going to give you the lyrics to this wonderful song…and hope that you will download it yourself. Yet another gift of recovery from a recovering one…

Disciple – Dear X – You Don’t Own Me

Dear pain, oh it’s been a long time
Remember when you were holding me tight
I would stay awake with you all night
Dear shame, I was safe in your arms
You were there when it all fell apart
I would get so lost in your beautiful lies
I let you go
But you’re still chasing

Go ahead
You’re never gonna take me
You can bend
But you’re never gonna break me
I was yours
I’m not yours anymore
Oh, you don’t own me

Dear hate, I know you’re not far
You would wait at the door of my heart
I was amazed at the passion in your cries
Dear anger, you made me so high
You were faithful to show up on time
Such a flame that was burning in your eyes
I let you go
But you’re still chasing

You tempted me to look back
But everything that we had together was a lie

THANKS to the unspoken and unexplained blessings of the universe. Castlewood (residential eating disorder treatment facility) has been approved to open a facility in Pacific Grove. I can’t even say how happy I am…if we could talk you would know. In this case typed words don’t do the job of expression. WE (the people who live here, etc.) are SO VERY LUCKY, life is SO very good:) I could blubber on forever…is this really happening? I will not succumb to pinching myself but what a gift this is…my thanks to whomever bestowed this gift. Thank you thank you thank you….

Bruce Cockburn and I would like to wish you a Happy New Year, 2012. As one of my most interesting clients shared, as did Christopher Columbus, “You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore”…this year I wish you the ability to lose sight of the shore and discover all that you wish to be…and the courage to push off. Welcome 2012, let’s turn that calendar and go forward!

Hopefully this quote (paraphrased), by Anat Baniel will inspire you during this season of eating, as you attempt to develop and maintain new patterns and habits. Hang in there…and Happy Thanksgiving:)

“For neural pathways to form, it takes many times of repeating something. As you repeat, the pattern that has formed goes deeper and deeper and deeper. If you begin a new pattern, the synaptic connection needs time to deepen. If you stop doing the new pattern for a while, the deeper old pattern will quickly reassert itself. Without having developed a new pattern, you’re trying to replace something with nothing. That’s why “will power” doesn’t work.”

Margaret Cho is a comedian and actor…and I have never seen her…my loss. I do have a daily calendar at work and on Monday, July 18th (yes I know this post is 2 months later), I clipped out her quote. My intention was to share it in group, which I’ve never seemed to manage to remember…however, I feel somewhat accomplished because I am sharing her words here…

“One day I just said, Hey, what if this is it? What if this is just what I look like, and nothing I do changes that? So how much time would I save if I stopped taking that extra second every time I look in the mirror to call myself fat? How much time would I save if I just let myself walk by a plate-glass window without sucking in my gut and throwing back my shoulders? How much time would I save? And it turns out i save about ninety-two minutes a week. I can take a pottery class.”

So I ask the same question to you, “what if this is it?” How many precious minutes of life would you save? And how would you spend that time?

My father passed away this month, suddenly. I am learning SO MANY THINGS through this process, most importantly, that I want people to take photos of ME on the Santa Cruz roller coaster when I am 79, and not take photos of me looking at my own reflection. I wish us all the same blessing.

I am falling in love
with my imperfections
The way I never get the sink really clean,
forget to check my oil,
lose my car in parking lots,
miss appointments I have written down,
am just a little late.
I am learning to love
the small bumps on my face
the big bump of my nose,
my hairless scalp,
chipped nail polish, toes that overlap.
Learning to love,
the open-ended mystery
of not knowing why
I am learning to fail
to make lists,
use my time wisely, read the books I should.
Instead I practice inconsistency,
irrationality, forgetfulness.
Probably I should hang my clothes neatly in the closet
all the shirts together, then the pants,
send Christmas cards, or better yet
a letter telling of
my perfect family
But I’d rather waste time
listening to the rain,
or lying underneath my cat
learning to purr.
I used to fill every moment
with something I could
cross off later.
Perfect was
the laundry done and folded
all my papers graded
the whole truth and nothing but
Now the empty mind is what I seek
the formless shape
the strange off center
sometimes fictional
me.

Elizabeth Carlson

Help me great spirit
Spirit in the wind
Help me to honor you
With my body
And honor my body as it is you

Help me great spirits
Grandmothers, Grandfathers
All my relations
Help, give me strength

Help me to breath deep
To listen, to see, to touch
To be alive
And recognize every blessing

Help me universal powers
Of oceans, and storms
Of atoms and insects
Help me to love and respect myself
And honor you

Help me to take just what I need
Not more not less
Help me to give up control
And love and live
In this moment

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

This just in, from the Gurze Catalogue:

By Anne Edwards
©2010 Gürze Books

I know the journey is hard.
There’s a bench just up ahead
Under some trees.
Let’s sit down,
Stop for a while.
We don’t have to talk
Unless you want to.
We can listen to the birds sing,
Feel the wind,
Enjoy the view,
And see,
Really see
The life that’s out there for us.
Then,
When we are both ready,
We can continue
Our journey of recovery.
I know it has its bumps
And steep hills,
But it also has its
Easier, smoother valleys and vistas.
The most important thing,
My friend,
Is that we not travel it alone.
It is a journey meant to be taken
Hand in hand.
Take mine.

Just returned from an eating disorder conference at the wonderful Center for Change in Orem, Utah…how lucky are those who want to recover…to have such a place in which to do so – and the incredible people to make it possible…and for those of us who just want to be filled up…a delightful place to visit. I’m having a hard describing how I was so positively affected by my time in Utah… but I hope to carry forward and ride the crest of that joyous experience for the rest of this year (and beyond) while humming Jenni Schaefer’s recovery song “It’s Okay to Be Happy”…because it is…ahhhh, a breath of much needed fresh air…